Dear Mr. Answerman:
I just spent 30 minutes reading a discussion on "salt". I think this cooking obsession has gotten out of hand.
http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/589768
Please help me. Do I need an intervention?
Sincerely,
Denny Ainsworth
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"Mr. Ainsworth? Mr. Ains.... what? Just Denny?
Okay, Denny, my name's Al.
Denny, your neighbors are scared, and your family's worried. Just put down the shaker and let's talk for awhile. Just step away from the prep counter and turn off your computer. I'm gonna step a little closer but it's okay ... see, no knife or fork, not even a spoon. No, we never take the grinder out of the van unless we absolutely have no other choice, and we're a long way from that here, aren't we? Good, now .....
If you'll just think for a minute, you'll see that alanbarnes is on the right track -- NaCl really is just NaCl, always and forever. It's just simple chemistry, man, for God's sake. Okay, you're right, you're absolutely right, excuse the salty language. Working with the Food Patrol can make you forget that regular folks, "customers," aren't used to kitchen language.
But it's really just salt, after all. Add it first, second, or at the table, whatever color or texture, and once you get it down your neck your digestive system's gonna do with it what it does.
Yes, I know there are those who put salt in their mouths then add food, en bouche or something, but I know for a fact that's just French for "how pretentious, you tootoo clever bastard," and we can't let the freaks set the agenda, now can we? Hell, those people eat snails and ants. You know the Marquis de Sade was French ... and the other words we get from those people ... coup d'etat, coup d'grace, massacre, triage, mimes ... some folks might call French cooking heavenly, and think French chefs are angels, but if you've read your Bible you'll know that ain't but one time angels ever brought good news and the rest of the time it's "The Big Guy's pissed. and now here's what's gonna happen to you ...." Oh, there I go again, swearing like a cook.
But don't even get me started on haute cuisine -- which I'm dead sure means "add more sauce, I can still smell this meat" -- because no one can tell me that those people have come up with anything in food since the 14th century, and anyone who says what about making three peas a vegetable side is gonna get a beating for not knowing the difference between home cooking and Ol' Mother Hubbard. I mean come on, when the Taliban want to bring back the Middle Ages we say they're out of their minds, but then when chefs try to feed us like we were feudal peasants -- another French word, by the by -- we're supposed to pony up 45 bucks a plate say oh, my, how avant garde, how moderne? Does that come with a whipping? ... it's insane.
No, no, Denny, I said the French are insane, not you, and yes, I know how stressful preparing holiday meals can be, even a sort of off holiday like St. Patrick's Day. You seem like a reasonable guy, a solid family man, salt of the earth .... what? .... no, Denny, I'm sorry, I'm not poking fun, it's just an expression, really ......
Look, you're just caught up in one of those which came first, the brown egg or the white egg things, that can't but go round and round.... Oh, I like the brown ones best, too, but it's because they remind me of when I was a kid. I mean really, now, if someone can look at two plates of scrambled eggs, taste them, and then say "that one's brown," I'll eat my hat with any kind of salt you name.
You know, it's not like we're talking pepper. That's a plant, after all, freshness or kind of peppercorn can matter there. We can agree there, right? Of course. Anyone would. But salt's a mineral, wherever it comes from, however it's gathered up. If you were laying a driveway and some contractor said local sand won't do, you needed some of that imported stuff from Cairo, what would you say? "Sand's sand," right? Of course you would.
Please, though, come on, just put down the shaker. You're making everyone nervous waving it around like that. Yeah, I know, it's best to add salt or any seasoning from a height so the distribution is more even, but you're really freaking folks out. We all want the same thing, here ... we want you to let your family back in the kitchen, they want that corned beef and cabbage to taste good, the neighbors want some peace and quiet, and we really need to get this sedation team onto a real situation over at CNBC. Some guy named Cramer thinks that if he can just pump up the "wacky morning crew" shennaigans on his little show, he can turn the economy around. The police have already said that if he tries a prank call they'll shoot to kill ... What? Yeah, that might be the best thing, but we have to intervene. We have to try and save him.
There, that's right, now that's better, isn't it? I'll just set this shaker over by the door. Here's your family, and here's Alton Brown's unlisted phone number. Now please, Denny, in the future ... leave all this salt talk to the seasoned professionals, okay? And y'all enjoy your meal. Yeah, Erin go Bragh to you, too."
Just Denny
Salt Intervention